The other day I was flipping through a magazine and on the third page, there was an ad of a half-naked girl in a silver bikini and silver body paint staring back at me with a very come-hither look on her face.   Guess what she was advertising:  water. One of the most basic, natural things in creation, advertised by half-naked, silver-body-paint girl who had positioned the bottle very seductively near her mouth.  Really?  Is this supposed to entice me to buy water? I drink water.  I’ve been drinking it since I was born.  I don’t look like her.  Neither will you. Realistically, anyone looking at the ad knows that, too.  Yet, there must be an appeal; it must work on some level, or else every ad-campaign from “Got Milk” to “Axe Deodorant” to anything else you can think of wouldn’t objectify women and men to promote a product.  Whether or not we actually engage in it, most of us are OD-ing on sex.

So where does the obsession even come from?  There are lots of theories, I’m sure.  I have my own.  Every human being was created because of love and to love, and the highest physical expression of love is sex.  But this is only true within its proper confines (i.e. marriage).  When we separate it from this context, when we sexify everything from water to milk to hygiene products, what value does it hold?  Suddenly what is meant to be, aside from the vehicle for procreation, a special act which deepens ties of intimacy and union between two committed individuals becomes trivial and mundane.

Unfortunately, the effects of sexification don’t stop at the depreciation of its own intrinsic value.  We are told by the religious scriptures of the world’s major religions that we should not engage in sex until marriage.  But, why?  Shoghi Effendi explains that:

Briefly stated the Bahá’í conception of sex is based on the belief that chastity should be strictly practised by both sexes, not only because it is in itself highly commendable ethically, but also due to its being the only way to a happy and successful marital life.

I remember the first time I came across this quote.  ”…the only way to a happy and successful marital life.”   Bold statement.   One I didn’t quite understand.  I could wrap my mind around it having negative effects on my soul that I didn’t comprehend because the workings of the spiritual world are a complete mystery to me, anyway.  But this implied that the reason wasn’t merely spiritual.  That it wasn’t a matter of “have sex and you go straight to hell” but that this was also a practical law.  Shoghi Effendi was warning us that engaging in sex outside of marriage would affect us within marriage.  The reasons why sex outside of marriage when you are already married is wrong is obvious.  It’s hard to paint adultery in a favorable light so I will assume that anyone reading this can also understand why fidelity and truthfulness would never allow for one to engage in intimate acts with anyone other than one’s spouse.  But why not be allowed to have sex before we’ve made that commitment?  How is that harmful?

When I tried to understand this law, it all came down to foundation.  If you build a house on a cracked foundation, the chances that it will crumble are so much higher than if you build it on a firm one.   Even though sex is a physical act, chastity is primarily a spiritual law.  On at least one level, the protection in this law is abundantly clear to me.   As God has designed us, He knows how we’re hard-wired.  He knows what’s good for us, what will hurt us, and how we will react to different things.  If He has ordained that we wait until marriage, perhaps it is in part because He knows that physical acts of intimacy bind us to one another emotionally in ways that are not meant to be broken;  in ways that He did not design to be broken.  So whether we engage in those acts casually, they still have an effect on us, and make it harder for us to be detached from one another, thereby often binding us to people who really aren’t right for us.  Think what a thick veil sex becomes in the process of getting to know someone to determine if he or she is the right person for you.  How many people stay in bad relationships, to the point of marrying the person, because the physical aspect blinds them completely.  Sex is intoxicating.  Why make a potentially life-altering, life-long decision while under the influence?

And then there’s just common sense.  Human beings are creatures of habit.  When we get used to sleeping with whomever we want whenever we want, when we never learn to develop self-control or discipline, and have never even tried to resist temptation, what’s magically going to enable us to do that once we’re married?  Not a whole lot.

It’s no surprise then that the verity of that “bold statement” about the only way to a happy and successful marital life is everyday confirmed in the marriages crumbling all around us.

I should probably preface this entry by explaining that I am wholly unqualified to write it as I am not nor have I ever been married.  Notwithstanding, family is an area in life that interests me greatly and I have had the good fortune of being raised among the 49% of parents in the West whose marriages do work, and probably the even slimmer percentage of parents whose marriages are happy.

My interest in writing this piece was born of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine the other night revolving around the idea of “easy familiarity”.  In the Bahá’í Faith, we are discouraged from being overly familiar with others.  This can range from something as simple as, don’t open someone else’s refrigerator and start rummaging through their food without permission, to something like, don’t give yourself permission to be overly intimate with another person outside the confines of marriage.  But I’d never really thought about this concept of not being easily or overly familiar within a marriage.  Clearly, the refrigerator and intimacy examples don’t apply among marriage partners.  But what about the tone in which you address your spouse?

It’s interesting how often our family members are the people we are most rude and unkind to-because we’re tired at the end of the day when we see them; because we know them so well and feel so comfortable around them that we don’t censor ourselves; because we assume they’ll always be there.  But if you think about it, these are the people we should show the most kindness to, precisely because we’re in it for life.  Why not make that the most loving, joyous experience it can be?

It is not easy to live life always being vigilant over what you think and say.  But, life isn’t meant to be easy.  And realistically, things don’t work in isolation.  If we are truly intent on developing our virtues-kindess, patience, forbearance, forgiveness-what better laboratory than home?

Marriage partners have to be so careful not to give themselves permission to snap at each other, to cross lines they justify crossing with ideas like, “But he’s my husband. I should be able to say anything I want around him!”  Why?  Why should you be allowed to gossip with your husband? Why should you be allowed to say something so critical and harsh, something so hurtful, that you would never dare say to another?  Of course, marriage isn’t about ignoring each other’s flaws.  You help each other grow and develop into better people.  But that process doesn’t happen with snide remarks or dwelling on each other’s imperfections, either.  You support one another, you uplift one another.

We shouldn’t confuse being thoughtful and biting our tongues with being formal.  Perhaps formality works among some couples, but that’s certainly not what I’m suggesting.  It is absolutely possible to be comfortable, to be intimate, to be honest and open with a partner without crushing their spirits in the way you speak to them.  And sometimes it is better to simply overlook; to forgive.

As ‘Abdu’l-Bahá explains, “their [husband and wife's] purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity…” If they are vigilant over themselves, faithful and true in their actions and kind and respectful in their words, they may experience true marriage, which is “that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God.”

If we regard marriage as an institution whose purpose is, among other things, to add to world unity by starting at the most basic level, and not just as a coming together of two individual beings; if we regard ourselves as partners whose purpose is to strive to ever improve the spiritual life of the other, maybe biting our tongues once in a while, lowering our voices, sweetening our words (genuinely, not condescendingly) will become second nature to us, and marriage won’t feel like hard work.  Instead, we will experience the following, which we are assured is possible, perhaps inevitable, when we align our behavior with the laws of the All-knowing Lord:

In this glorious Cause the life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven-a life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship both mental and physical. The home should be orderly and well-organized. Their ideas and thoughts should be like the rays of the sun of truth and the radiance of the brilliant stars in the heavens. Even as two birds they should warble melodies upon the branches of the tree of fellowship and harmony.  They should always be elated with joy and gladness and be a source of happiness to the hearts of others. They should set an example to their fellow-men, manifest a true and sincere love towards each other and educate their children in such a manner as to blazon the fame and glory of their family.

~ ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

 

The column was written by a Swedish journalist and TV producer and the point he was making was that the Swedish laws on marriage are outdated. Marriage – or coexistence – is an issue that only concerns the two (or however many) that are involved, and society should neither interfere nor try to regulate it.

As it was written in Swedish I unfortunately can’t share it with you, but I’m sure you have heard or read similar ideas, as they are not unusual in contemporary society.

There is much that can be said and discussed on this topic, not least from a Baha’i perspective. The thought that the article left me with for the rest of the day, which is what I wanted to scribble a few lines about, is whether this issue exclusively is the business of the individuals involved, or if there is more to it? And how does the significance of building healthy families and nurturing children fit into the discussion?

That marriage and family are interconnected goes without saying. For most people, getting married is a step to building a family and all statistics point towards that a strong marriage increases the chances of having a stable family. There are of course exceptions to this tendency and not everyone can be judged alike, but by and large it holds true.

…in the Baha’i Faith marriage, and family life, in particular, are both not only commendable, but constitute a social function of highest and indeed vital importance, as through them alone the human race is perpetuated.

The family is the very first social context that children are exposed to. That is where they learn love, respect, generosity, justice and other traits that characterize a civilized conduct. The family is also our most intimate circle, where thoughts and feelings are shared and where we feel secure and comfortable to be ourselves. There is thus no doubt that everything that happens in a family affects its members to a high degree; their conduct, health and general well being. Particularly the well being of children is at stake, and a justified question is: who is responsible for protecting their rights?

In the Baha’i teachings the family is regarded as the bedrock of the structure of human society, and its affairs can thus not be separated from the affairs of society as a whole. In striving to create unified and constructive communities, which is the purpose of the Baha’i Faith, the unity in its bedrock is naturally of great importance.

Baha’u'llah came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family.

Note ye how easily, where unity existeth in a given family, the affairs of that family are conducted; what progress the members of that family make, how they prosper in the world. Their concerns are in order, they enjoy comfort and tranquillity… Such a family but addeth to its stature and its lasting honour, as day succeedeth day…

- Abdu’l-Baha

Having this view on family, as a foundation stone in society and the setting where a future generation is reared, I’m inclined to disagree with the above-mentioned author. However, historically that does not mean that family structures have always been that “fortress for well being” that they potentially could be, and it is necessary for society to take on its responsibility in this aspect too. Apart from only upholding laws and regulations, society perhaps also needs to care for the education of children and youth in principles necessary for building stable and healthy families, such as respect, equality and justice.

Even though I didn’t find my sunny news, the article brought about something even more valuable, which is reflection and thought on this theme.

The fundamental purpose animating the Faith of God and His Religion is to safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men.

- Baha’u'llah

Sure, things have changed quite dramatically over the last century. In some parts of the world, it’s now almost even acceptable for the woman to chase the man, or at the very least, not play so hard to get.

But the word “play” is an interesting one when it comes to relationships. As divorce rates are on the rise, couples’ therapy sessions grow in popularity, and dating “How-to” guides stalk the shelves of many a book store, it seems we humans haven’t quite figured out this romantic love thing yet. Everybody wants it, but many are clueless about how to get it.

So, back to the word play. Why treat relationships like a game? Why treat one another falsely, manipulatively? Is this really the best way to lay a foundation with the person you could potentially build your life with? Perhaps part of it is human nature, hard-wired within us. Perhaps it’s just learned behavior. But either way, it doesn’t seem right. To understand the way to proceed before we are married, we need to understand the purpose of marriage, and the ideal form it should and can take.

Bahá’u'lláh explains that marriage was established because

…when He desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and set the world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book.

‘Abdu’l-Bahá says the following:

Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close.

… however, marriage must be a union of the body and of the spirit as well, for here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine, both are enamoured of the same matchless Face, both live and move through the same spirit, both are illumined by the same glory. This connection between them is a spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will abide forever. Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting ties in the physical world as well, for if the marriage is based both on the spirit and the body, that union is a true one, hence it will endure. If, however, the bond is physical and nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in separation.

In the Bahá’í Faith, the union between husband and wife is not viewed only as a form of companionship — though that is certainly part of it– nor is it just about someone who “makes me feel good”. It’s about service. It’s about a greater goal. Working towards something outside of yourselves as a couple, which brings you together as a couple. We see the bringing forth and raising up of children as one of the primary purposes of marriage.

So when you’re showing off your plumage, wooing one another, as it were, you have to bear in mind that this is the person you want to raise children with, spend all the worlds of God with.

What kind of partner is he/she? How well do you work together? Do you have similar goals and aspirations for your life? If they’re different, are they compatible?

Keeping these questions in mind, seeing the end in the beginning, we should then be able to re-orient and re-design this whole courtship process.

Rather than play games, why not be honest? Shouldn’t this process be a mature, thought-out one?

In addition to all of this, we live in a time that promotes and endorses frivolity in all of our human interactions. We are casual and superficial in our friendships. We are overly familiar with one another. Taking liberties with one another’s bodies and emotions. Blissfully unaware that in so doing, we establish bonds of intimacy that were never created to be broken. But inevitably these casual relationships fall apart, and eat at the vitals of human society, as we become less and less capable of being loyal to each other, truthful with one another. If we are somehow able to overcome those hurdles, there is always the matter of baggage. All of these past experiences which we drag into our new relationships, our marriages-how can we be impervious to them? Of course, they will manifest themselves in our interactions with another. We are, after all, creatures of habit. If we are habitually casual, promiscuous, unwilling to commit, how is marriage going to suddenly transform us? The people we are before we get married will certainly affect the marriage partners we become.

It’s a wonder that any marriages with these types of foundation last. But that doesn’t mean they exist in their highest form. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá explains that:

The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.

If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.

However, if we are able to thoughtfully, carefully, and truthfully investigate one another’s characters, and if we are able to maintain our focus on God, on service, on raising virtuous children, this is the type of family that may very well be ours:

Note ye how easily, where unity existeth in a given family, the affairs of that family are conducted; what progress the members of that family make, how they prosper in the world. Their concerns are in order, they enjoy comfort and tranquility, they are secure, their position is assured, they come to be envied by all. Such a family but addeth to its stature and its lasting honour, as day succeedeth day.