nava June 15th, 2008
It seems that from culture to culture, no matter if you’re from Seychelles or France, Nova Scotia or the Yucatan, certain things are universally appealing. The pursuit of love, of a relationship, sitting perhaps atop the list of things people are seeking. Since the appearance of humans on this planet, one could safely guess, we have been trying to woo one another or convince one another that we are worthy of being wooed.
Sure, things have changed quite dramatically over the last century. In some parts of the world, it’s now almost even acceptable for the woman to chase the man, or at the very least, not play so hard to get.
But the word “play” is an interesting one when it comes to relationships. As divorce rates are on the rise, couples’ therapy sessions grow in popularity, and dating “How-to” guides stalk the shelves of many a book store, it seems we humans haven’t quite figured out this romantic love thing yet. Everybody wants it, but many are clueless about how to get it.
So, back to the word play. Why treat relationships like a game? Why treat one another falsely, manipulatively? Is this really the best way to lay a foundation with the person you could potentially build your life with? Perhaps part of it is human nature, hard-wired within us. Perhaps it’s just learned behavior. But either way, it doesn’t seem right. To understand the way to proceed before we are married, we need to understand the purpose of marriage, and the ideal form it should and can take.
Bahá’u'lláh explains that marriage was established because
…when He desired to manifest grace and beneficence to men, and set the world in order, He revealed observances and created laws; among them He established the law of marriage, made it as a fortress for well-being and salvation, and enjoined it upon us in that which was sent down out of the heaven of sanctity in His Most Holy Book.
‘Abdu’l-Bahá says the following:
Marriage, among the mass of the people, is a physical bond, and this union can only be temporary, since it is foredoomed to a physical separation at the close.
… however, marriage must be a union of the body and of the spirit as well, for here both husband and wife are aglow with the same wine, both are enamoured of the same matchless Face, both live and move through the same spirit, both are illumined by the same glory. This connection between them is a spiritual one, hence it is a bond that will abide forever. Likewise do they enjoy strong and lasting ties in the physical world as well, for if the marriage is based both on the spirit and the body, that union is a true one, hence it will endure. If, however, the bond is physical and nothing more, it is sure to be only temporary, and must inexorably end in separation.
In the Bahá’í Faith, the union between husband and wife is not viewed only as a form of companionship — though that is certainly part of it– nor is it just about someone who “makes me feel good”. It’s about service. It’s about a greater goal. Working towards something outside of yourselves as a couple, which brings you together as a couple. We see the bringing forth and raising up of children as one of the primary purposes of marriage.
So when you’re showing off your plumage, wooing one another, as it were, you have to bear in mind that this is the person you want to raise children with, spend all the worlds of God with.
What kind of partner is he/she? How well do you work together? Do you have similar goals and aspirations for your life? If they’re different, are they compatible?
Keeping these questions in mind, seeing the end in the beginning, we should then be able to re-orient and re-design this whole courtship process.
Rather than play games, why not be honest? Shouldn’t this process be a mature, thought-out one?
In addition to all of this, we live in a time that promotes and endorses frivolity in all of our human interactions. We are casual and superficial in our friendships. We are overly familiar with one another. Taking liberties with one another’s bodies and emotions. Blissfully unaware that in so doing, we establish bonds of intimacy that were never created to be broken. But inevitably these casual relationships fall apart, and eat at the vitals of human society, as we become less and less capable of being loyal to each other, truthful with one another. If we are somehow able to overcome those hurdles, there is always the matter of baggage. All of these past experiences which we drag into our new relationships, our marriages-how can we be impervious to them? Of course, they will manifest themselves in our interactions with another. We are, after all, creatures of habit. If we are habitually casual, promiscuous, unwilling to commit, how is marriage going to suddenly transform us? The people we are before we get married will certainly affect the marriage partners we become.
It’s a wonder that any marriages with these types of foundation last. But that doesn’t mean they exist in their highest form. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá explains that:
The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.
If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.
However, if we are able to thoughtfully, carefully, and truthfully investigate one another’s characters, and if we are able to maintain our focus on God, on service, on raising virtuous children, this is the type of family that may very well be ours:
Note ye how easily, where unity existeth in a given family, the affairs of that family are conducted; what progress the members of that family make, how they prosper in the world. Their concerns are in order, they enjoy comfort and tranquility, they are secure, their position is assured, they come to be envied by all. Such a family but addeth to its stature and its lasting honour, as day succeedeth day.
Tags: dating, love, marriage, relationships
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As people scurry around last minute to purchase chocolates and flowers for Valentine’s Day — and stationary stores run out of anything bearing even the slightest resemblance to everyone’s favourite pulmonary organ — let us take time out to reflect on the story of Mr and Mrs O’Connor.
