In my quest to understand the nature of feeling inadequate, I derived some inspiration from a talk given a couple of weeks ago at the Regional Conference held for the Southeastern United States in Atlanta, Georgia.  What I learned shifted my perspective considerably:

There can be a wisdom in feeling inadequate.  But it can also potentially be destructive.  From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, dated 13 October 1947, to an individual Bahá’í, we see why:

Each one of us, if we look into our failures, is sure to feel unworthy and despondent, and this feeling only frustrates our constructive efforts and wastes time. The thing for us to focus on is the glory of the Cause and the Power of Bahá’u'lláh which can make of a mere drop a surging sea!

We should also bear in mind that a few titles attributed to our Creator by Bahá’u'lláh, in some of the many prayers He has revealed, are: “the All-Merciful,” “the Most Compassionate,” and “the Ever-Forgiving.”  If that’s the case, then it follows that all we need to do is to call upon Him for assistance.  It’s a comforting thought: we can’t do it by ourselves!

Feelings of inadequacy and inner turmoil that stem from the demands and distractions of an increasingly busy, overly-committed lives, seem very 21st century.  But it is an emotion that has transcended time and place.  A story of a young man in 19th century Iran exemplifies this.

The young man’s name was Hájí Muhammad-Sádiq Khán, and he embraced the Faith of Bahá’u'lláh after attending gatherings held by his friend, a young poet who would recite his works at these meetings.  One evening, the young poet recited a poem depicting the cruel martyrdom of an early believer named Vahíd.  As the poem progressed, Hájí Muhammad-Sádiq realized with horror that the commander of regiment that killed Vahíd was his own father.  Filled with shame and remorse, he began to withdraw from the Bahá’í community.  Concerned for their friend, the young poet wrote to ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, explaining the situation.  ‘Abdu’l-Bahá wrote a Tablet to Hájí Muhammad-Sádiq in response, in which He wrote:

The true morn dawneth from the depths of a darksome night, and the world-illuminating light of day poureth forth from the canopy of a night of gloom. The enchanting flower bloometh on a branch of thorns, and multitudinous plants grow out of the sad, sodden earth. The delightful fruit sprouteth upon a piece of wood…. be not saddened.

He continued:

Pray thou and supplicate at the threshold of the One True God, begging forgiveness for thine earthly father. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá will also, with utmost lowliness, implore at the threshold of God that perchance the musk-laden breeze of His forgiveness may waft over [him] and from the billowing sea of His grace a wave may pass over him and cleanse him of the defilement of sin and transgression. This is not far removed from the ocean of the grace of Bahá, His mercy, and His pardon.

(H.M. Balyuzi, Eminent Baha’is in the Time of Baha’u'llah, p. 27)

What I gathered from these thoughts is this: we can oftentimes be harder on ourselves than our own Creator is.  But this shouldn’t lull us into complacency.  We should act, of course, and reflect upon our actions.  We learn from our successes and shortcomings, and we make changes accordingly. And crucially, there is a spiritual component: study, prayer, and meditation upon the Divine Word, which in this day, is reflected in the Writings of Bahá’u'lláh.  A letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi sums this up succinctly:

Study of the Word, Meditation on its divine import, prayer, and then action are necessary. And then, perseverance in action. If these steps are followed, one will develop spiritually, and be victorious in service to the Cause of God.

My tongue parched, stomach growling; my body as if it had been mowed by a steamroller; I could hardly lift myself up from the living room couch, as Natalya sat across from me, sipping her tea quietly.

(Natalya was staying the night, en route back home to Singapore after an autumn internship in D.C.; my Kiwi friend Kat occupied my bedroom; and Wendy, a scientist by day who moonlights as a cellist, pianist, vocalist, journalist, and HIV/AIDS patient mentor, had already shuffled out the door.)

The inevitable had dawned: I was sick.

The early mornings and late nights didn’t help: getting up early to go to work after an evening of meaningful conversation with my friend in town from New Zealand, lasting until 1:00 a.m., left me invigorated but sleep deprived.

And the commitments: the days at work of course, and evenings and weekends, always doing something.  And while it was fulfilling, I somehow felt like I wasn’t doing enough.  We all feel that anxiety, at some point: about our jobs (that others are getting ahead, or that we’re not satisfied with our work); about friendships or relationships; about a society that is seemingly crumbling around us, and we feel powerless to fix it.  And, when we come in contact with the words of Bahá’u'lláh, we’ve been given the medicine to treat an ailing world — but we may sometimes feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task at hand.  Whether it’s the spiritual education of children, the moral empowerment of young adolescents, or study of and sharing the Creative Word with others, we feel pulled in many directions and struggle to work actively toward the betterment of the world.

Examining my course of action and the outcomes, then, I’d become increasingly frustrated with the fact that things weren’t “clicking” the way I expected them to.  It left me with a nervous knot in my stomach, sleeping little, eating less.  In short, I felt I was falling far short of my goals and expectations.

The stress culminated in my bulldozed, sick state this morning.

Unable to stomach the toast and honey that Kat had prepared for me, and sipping slowly on chamomile tea, I crawled back onto the living room couch, curling underneath the down comforter.

It’s now late evening, and as I chew on a vitamin C tablet, I mull over a letter written by the Universal House of Justice to those gathered at the six Regional Conferences held in the United States, of 41 held worldwide.  One statement in particular stands out:

Undeflected by the turmoil and distractions of the world around you, direct your energies to the task at hand with expanded vision and renewed consecration.

The turmoil and distractions of the world around us are self-evident: rampant materialism; a severe financial crisis; corrupt governance; to name only a few.  These are external distractions that often cause our actions to stray from that which we believe.

But, what about the distractions and turmoil that lie within us: those feelings of inadequacy?  Is there a wisdom behind it, or does it deflect us from accomplishing what we need to?

I derived some inspiration from a talk given last week at the Regional Conference held for the Southeastern United States in Atlanta, Georgia.  Stay tuned for Part II to find out what I learned.