Just because you’re married doesn’t mean…
nava March 24th, 2009
…you should be overly familiar.
I should probably preface this entry by explaining that I am wholly unqualified to write it as I am not nor have I ever been married. Notwithstanding, family is an area in life that interests me greatly and I have had the good fortune of being raised among the 49% of parents in the West whose marriages do work, and probably the even slimmer percentage of parents whose marriages are happy.
My interest in writing this piece was born of a conversation I had with a good friend of mine the other night revolving around the idea of “easy familiarity”. In the Bahá’í Faith, we are discouraged from being overly familiar with others. This can range from something as simple as, don’t open someone else’s refrigerator and start rummaging through their food without permission, to something like, don’t give yourself permission to be overly intimate with another person outside the confines of marriage. But I’d never really thought about this concept of not being easily or overly familiar within a marriage. Clearly, the refrigerator and intimacy examples don’t apply among marriage partners. But what about the tone in which you address your spouse?
It’s interesting how often our family members are the people we are most rude and unkind to-because we’re tired at the end of the day when we see them; because we know them so well and feel so comfortable around them that we don’t censor ourselves; because we assume they’ll always be there. But if you think about it, these are the people we should show the most kindness to, precisely because we’re in it for life. Why not make that the most loving, joyous experience it can be?
It is not easy to live life always being vigilant over what you think and say. But, life isn’t meant to be easy. And realistically, things don’t work in isolation. If we are truly intent on developing our virtues-kindess, patience, forbearance, forgiveness-what better laboratory than home?
Marriage partners have to be so careful not to give themselves permission to snap at each other, to cross lines they justify crossing with ideas like, “But he’s my husband. I should be able to say anything I want around him!” Why? Why should you be allowed to gossip with your husband? Why should you be allowed to say something so critical and harsh, something so hurtful, that you would never dare say to another? Of course, marriage isn’t about ignoring each other’s flaws. You help each other grow and develop into better people. But that process doesn’t happen with snide remarks or dwelling on each other’s imperfections, either. You support one another, you uplift one another.
We shouldn’t confuse being thoughtful and biting our tongues with being formal. Perhaps formality works among some couples, but that’s certainly not what I’m suggesting. It is absolutely possible to be comfortable, to be intimate, to be honest and open with a partner without crushing their spirits in the way you speak to them. And sometimes it is better to simply overlook; to forgive.
As ‘Abdu’l-Bahá explains, “their [husband and wife's] purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity…” If they are vigilant over themselves, faithful and true in their actions and kind and respectful in their words, they may experience true marriage, which is “that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God.”
If we regard marriage as an institution whose purpose is, among other things, to add to world unity by starting at the most basic level, and not just as a coming together of two individual beings; if we regard ourselves as partners whose purpose is to strive to ever improve the spiritual life of the other, maybe biting our tongues once in a while, lowering our voices, sweetening our words (genuinely, not condescendingly) will become second nature to us, and marriage won’t feel like hard work. Instead, we will experience the following, which we are assured is possible, perhaps inevitable, when we align our behavior with the laws of the All-knowing Lord:
In this glorious Cause the life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven-a life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship both mental and physical. The home should be orderly and well-organized. Their ideas and thoughts should be like the rays of the sun of truth and the radiance of the brilliant stars in the heavens. Even as two birds they should warble melodies upon the branches of the tree of fellowship and harmony. They should always be elated with joy and gladness and be a source of happiness to the hearts of others. They should set an example to their fellow-men, manifest a true and sincere love towards each other and educate their children in such a manner as to blazon the fame and glory of their family.
~ ‘Abdu’l-Bahá
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- Baha'i Concepts , General Interest
- Comments(15)
This is a very interesting post. I’d never thought of “easy familiarity” in this light. Fortunately I have been blessed with a wonderful marriage for nearly 14 years and we have been able to maintain a loving and respectful relationship with each other. We have also found that having the ability to laugh a lot helps. Certainly when times get tough it can require some discipline not say harsh or unkind things — but being aware of this quote of Baha’u'llah certainly helps:
“For the tongue is a smoldering fire, and excess of speech a deadly poison. Material fire consumeth the body, whereas the fire of the tongue devoureth both heart and soul. The force of the former lasteth but for a time, whilst the effects of the latter endureth a century.” Gleanings p.265
A very thoughtful article, beautifully written and simply true!
Thank you for your very refreshing view which i feel is an expression of thoughts i haven’t quite articulated so precisely. Where is that last quote from ‘Abdu’l-Baha from? i’ve never come across that before. All the best in your endeavors! -ben
Mitko, thank you so much for your kindness.
Brian, that is such an important idea to bear in mind–how absolutely dangerous the tongue can be. It’s really mindblowing to think of its affects as being more adverse for a longer period of time than physical fire. What a concept!
Ben, the quote can be found in the “Family Life” compilation published by the Research Department at the Baha’i World Centre. It should be available through your National Assembly. Alternatively, I’m fairly certain you can find it on google. It’s a really excellent document including some passages which have never been published elsewhere.
I really enjoyed reading your post Nava – it was very insightful and a wonderful reminder of what a treasure our spouses are and not to take them for granted. I think it’s also important to often express to our spouses how special they are and how much we appreciate them. I recently released a CD and book marriage gift set called ‘Birds of Love’ and dedicated it to my husband. He was deeply touched by the gesture.
I also forgot to mention that we have a weekly practise in our family where we express our acknowledgement of each family member for a positive deed that they manifested in the previous week. It’s a great way of showing our appreciation for one another.
“But that process doesn’t happen with snide remarks or dwelling on each other’s imperfections, either. You support one another, you uplift one another.”
—
I agree with this in principle. Nobody wants to be married to that. If you picked the right partner and you grow together, it’s not a problem, really.
Yet, sometimes you don’t pick the right partner, or perhaps your partner changes drastically in a way that you didn’t expect. Sometimes your partner becomes passionate about something that you don’t share. Sometimes both characters will hold their ground, completely insistent that their view of the world is the right view. Conflict happens… it’s not what you want, but it’s sometimes necessary.
There are those who sometimes have a hard time looking in the mirror. You might politely suggest it to them, and they refuse or don’t take notice. You might mention suitable adjustments, kindly, only to have virtual rolling of the eyes. You get enough attitude, and sometimes you’re left with shoving a mirror in their face. In some cases, you might end up issuing ultimatums because you’re at your limit.
I agree that the ideas that I mention are more extreme and tend to signal “the end of things”… but context is everything. The “end’ of such a marriage might lead to a new marriage, with the same people.
I picked the right partner, at the time. We’ve been together roughly 9 years, with few conflicts. We rarely fought because we were agreed on most things. About a year ago, I picked up the practice of being Baha’i (again), something she doesn’t exactly embrace. For her, the shift was largely “incongruent with my character”, an accusation that is well-placed given what she’s known of me in the past 10 years… because I just wasn’t a Baha’i 10 years ago. Unbeknownst to me, she’s turned out to be a bit of a closeted but polite atheist, her views somewhat shaped by the events of September 11 and the overall view that religion seems to lead people to do the worst things.
A cold-war emotional conflict escalated over the next year after I renewed my faith. On the exterior there was perceived cooperation on the vast majority of things. On the few things that we could not agree on, we just agreed to be polite and embrace what we could, but beneath the veneer were small smounts of resentment and unspoken mistrust on both sides. Each time, it was small. Easy to ignore and move on. There weren’t a lot of overt signs of discontent… it was always subtle. But each time, it got added to a subconscious pile of “stuff that is quietly bugging us”…
At some point, I pushed the button. Nuclear weapons. The whole shabang. We both laid everything out on the table. Accusations were hurled in both directions. Voices were raised. Neither side was spared. In the end, we were both faced with realizations about our characters because we had effectively armed each other with evidence to be used against ourselves.
We might have known to some extent that both of us needed to change… but what to change, how to change? Some of these things you can’t know on your own, and some of these things the other won’t tell you out of fear of another volley. Sometimes, you don’t want to ask or bring up the issue because you can see how it could escalate conflict.
The experience was cathartic, though. Both acknowledged that we wanted our marriage to work. Both understood that our marriage would have to change in many ways. Both realized that the changes had to come slowly. Like any other situation, we found common ground. We love our child. We’ve come this far. And we have a sense that we can make things work… that we have to make things work to achieve the ideals that we hold dear.
Badhras, first of all, I’m sorry to hear that your marriage is going through these challenges right now. I cannot imagine the personal emotional worry that one would experience at a time like this. It seems to me, though, from my limited perspective, and based of course solely on what you’ve mentioned, that although it did come to a point where “voices were raised [and] neither side was spared” your marriage has a solid foundation based on nine years of respect, of mutual consideration, of shared vision. And although the shared vision isn’t there anymore in terms of religion, perhaps the foundation you’ve laid is enabling you to hold on to your sense that you can make things work. And you probably CAN make things work. Though your wife may be atheist and you are Bahai, you both love your children, you love each other, you mention you have ideals that you hold near. Each person’s relationship with God is their own; just because you have a different sense of how to build one and the importance of it does not mean that you two are now incompatible. Your spiritual life: prayer, obedience to His teachings, none of that should be affected by your wife, and conversely, you should not try to coerce her (and i’m not suggesting that you do) to share or uphold laws and teachings that she does not hold dear in her heart. Anyway, I’m sure you have obviously thought about all of this extensively and have a plan of action. You could always meet with you Local Spiritual Assembly or an Auxiliary board member in your area, too, for advice, and/or maybe even enter some marriage counseling together. Marriage is so special, so sacred, especially with children involved, that it is worth every concerted effort to try to make it work, and not just “work”, but thrive. I really wish you well.
Hmmm.. interesting perspective. I grew up believing that your marriage partner was supposed to be your rock, your haven, the person you could count on to always stand up for you, defend you. The person who loved you best, most wanted to be with you.
That’s not what I’ve ended up with. I try to be respectful of my spouse, but after years of marital neglect, I just long for a partner who really wants to be with me.
My spouse is married to the job, my child and I live pretty much alone most of the time while the spouse is off with the job. I need the income to pay the bills, or I’d build a new life for myself, either alone or with someone who actually wanted to be with ME.
Not all marriages are a “fortress for well-being”. Mine just feels like a solitary tower, with me on the outside.
I believe that the prayer for husbands is an extremely powerful prayer that can be used in the cases above. I highly recommend it as friends have shared incredible stories after saying that prayer. I have set this prayer to music because I felt that it should be used much more often and has a potent effect. It’s called Blessing for Husbands. You can listen to it here: http://www.elikamahony.com/music/
Hope it brings you solace.
I just want to preface this again by pointing out that I don’t claim any qualifications or expertise in marriage or family life. But, I do still have some thoughts which I offer in the spirit of sharing more than “advice”.
The marriage topic is so broad. When I initially approached my editor about writing this piece, I even joked about making it a monthly column, tackling one marriage theme a month due to the vastness of the issue. So this aspect of not being overly familiar with a spouse is only one factor of many that will effect a marriage. Notwithstanding, even in a situation such as the one you describe, it seems that if a person were in a position of feeling like they were unappreciated by their spouse, or neglected, which could be such a lonely and gnawing feeling, if that person always kept it inside without saying anything, then it could get to the point where he or she would just explode one day. Full on screaming match-saying words which could never be taken back (unleashing the smoldering fire which Brian referred to in his comment). Or they might just give up and walk away. But if you talked to your spouse about it—openly, respectfully, in a non-accusatory way but in a forthcoming “this is how I perceive these actions, these are some of the ramifications, what can we both do” kind of way, it could be a good starting point for some sort of change. If you’ve already brought it up and there seems to be no change, it might be time to consider more serious options like counselling. In general, marriage counselling seems to make good sense to me—any marriage will be hard at times, and like all things in life, there is always room for improvement–but sometimes the way forward isn’t very clear, so this can offer a fresh lens.
As Elika pointed out, prayer is so key. Prayer for yourself, for him. There are some beautiful marriage prayers, family prayers, even test-&-difficulties, aid & assistance prayers—a whole ocean of sacred word to turn to. I think prayer is an indispensable part of navigating through almost every situation in life, not least of which would be marriage and family.
Another thought I had is that people all tend to have certain qualities which are more prevalent than others, and the way they channel these qualities or attributes is what makes them virtuous or harmful. So if your husband is a workaholic as you mention, the quality that motivates that might not be bad at all. Maybe he is a perfectionist, a hard worker, ambitious, etc. Maybe part of a solution could be channeling that energy and those tendencies towards something productive and inclusive for both of you. For instance, engaging in acts of service together will allow you to spend more time together and engage in something that in and of itself brings one joy and draws one closer to God, while establishing stronger ties in the community. Even if he is not so keen in participating at first, “because he doesn’t have time” or work is keeping him from it, if you engage in these yourself with your child, and all the while keep praying for him, maybe he’ll come around.
And finally as I mentioned to Badhras, sometimes our local institutions can be a great help. Maybe your husband is oblivious to the way you really feel, or feels helpless as to knowing how to change it because behavior is habitual and can be hard to alter. But there is always hope! I hope your feelings of loneliness are eased soon.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yes, after almost 19 years of marriage, I’ve tried all of that, including the prayer and the counseling. I had a brief hope that he’d pull out of himself and his computer, but as you say – his personality reasserted itself rapidly. He was a bachelor for 41 years before we married, and his life and work revolved around and in computers. His life IS his computer. There is simply not enough room for me.
On the plus sides, he is a good provider, he never complains about housekeeping or how I choose to spend our money or parent our child. I get to be in charge of everything. Yes, it’s because he can’t be bothered to come out of his computer long enough to focus on there being any other ways of doing things, but the result is the same: I have nearly full autonomy in our lives for everything but spending time with him.
We’ve been in marriage counseling for awhile now, and mostly I think I need to focus on being happy with living a mostly separate life from his. We share a home base, but for the most part our lives are lived completely separate.
I have my friends, my job, my artistic and creative outlets, and he has his computer, his books and his job. We pool our incomes for our mutual benefits, and have achieved a financial comfort that many would envy – especially these days when others have so badly overextended themselves!
There are probably folks in the area who look at our marriage and envy us, not realizing how lonely our life is for me – just looking at the cozy home I’ve created and our delightful child.
Elika: Beautiful prayer! You have quite a gift. Thank you.
I wanted to suggest a couple more things… one is a great book called ‘The 5 love languages’. It basically talks about how each of us express love and receive love differently and how to learn to express love more effectively within a marriage especially when our love tanks are empty! We basically have to learn what the other’s needs are and how to give it to them. Many friends of mine have benefitted from this book including myself. Here is the link: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/
The other suggestion is to go through and study together a Ruhi style marriage booklet that my husband and I put together. It’s wonderful for couples who are having challenges and is probably most effective to go through with a few other couples that they trust. And because it’s Ruhi style, no one is an authority and everyone’s learning together. We have added quotes on marriage and included the ‘marriage tablet’ with lots of thought-provoking questions. You can download it for free at this link. Click on the highlighted words ‘Marriage Booklet’: http://www.elikamahony.com/2008/08/10/marriage-booklet/
Nava: thanks for the thoughtful reply. I have been in contact with an LSA member. My wife and I are working on things. It’s nice to read thoughts that match up with what I’ve independently come to understand. If anything, it shows that I’m not completely crazy.
Stressed: Believe me when I say you’re not alone… I don’t have any advice… just some stories that echo themes below.
“My spouse is married to the job, my child and I live pretty much alone most of the time while the spouse is off with the job. I need the income to pay the bills… His life IS his computer. There is simply not enough room for me.”
My dad was a work-aholic. Not that he didn’t love the family; we all knew that he sacrificed in ways to provide for us. (I also came to understand why he was a work-aholic and how he had made a wonderful difference to many people that came to know him.) However at one point, he was on business for 27 weeks out of the year. I know it was hard for my mom, but she learned to cope by being a mom, becoming pre-school teacher, and being a friend to others. Deep down, I know she wanted the role of wife, too. Loneliness was hard, but I think my dad did his best to spend time with her when he was home. When my dad finally retired, their marriage seemed to spark in new ways.
I found out, later on, it was also hard for my dad, too. He admitted later that his one regret was that he didn’t spend more time with the kids. Yet, a part me of believes that he really didn’t know how to spend time with us. My sister and I were so independent, so involved in our own technologically connected social circles. It’s not like he had boy-scouts/girl-scouts to just “volunteer” like some other families. It’s not like we would have said “yay. i’d love to spend time doing woodcrafting or watching racecars with you.” We found our independence in his absence, but we loved him, still.
I never discussed marital challenges with my dad, but I sense there may have been some difficulties in relating to my mom, as well. Her: TV, dinner outings, shopping, social butterfly. Him: home-cooked meals, racecars, hates malls, would rather just have a quiet evening. They managed to find a mutual love of gardening and watching DVD movies. I have no idea how they got there.
As for me, my computer is my livelihood. At one point, I was getting promo’d and big raises every year. Financially, things were (and still are to some extent) great. Burning off stress consisted of xbox video gaming, which annoyed my wife. She tolerated it, but preferred that we do more outdoor things.
When I became a father 2 years ago, I thought it would be just a matter of making small adjustments. I, then, had a bit of a “cat’s in the cradle” moment… realizing that I did have my dad’s workaholic nature. The extent to which I’m forcing myself to change for love of my child seems to know no end. It’s tough having to confront myself in that way, but I feel compelled.
At some point, I heard that Call. My conscience demanded change. I’d be lying if I said that there were times I wish I didn’t know God or couldn’t hear the Call… that I wish I didn’t believe. There’s a comfort in the idea of just plain death followed by non-existence. However, my conscience keeps ringing me. This idea of becoming a better person isn’t entirely fun. Yeah, I have moments of spiritual ecstacy in between to remind me why I’m doing all of this. I really don’t feel like there’s much choice in the matter… similar to how drug users can’t seem to help their behavior. It feels more like something is dragging a kicking-and-screaming me into a room for some really harsh 1-on-1 counseling.
And I know many would cry me a sarcastic pity party. Woe is Badhras, who gets every form of certitude that he asks for. Woe is Badhras, who still has his house and job. Woe is Badhras, who got the Call. Woe is Badhras who’s even found somebody to love for the last 10 years. The list goes on…
It’s hard to change unless you want to. For me, it’s a strange kind of conscience-driven coercion. I suspect I’ll be more grateful later on that my conscience is this way. As for my my closeted-athiest wife, I have no idea how she is learning to cope with me. She seems to want our marriage to work and wants to avoid divorce. I don’t know if that’s the extent of her motivation; she’s not at all introspective, so I doubt she even has given it much thought.
There’s no way I could understand what your husband is thinking or feeling. Even he might not fully understand his own feelings. Change is sometimes difficult and frightening. Admitting there’s a problem is hard. Having to admit fault and culpability is harder. Coming to terms with the fact that the ones you ought to love most are the ones you’ve hurt the most can be outright devastating.
Hi Nava,
Just wanted to tell you that you have a very keen insight on things and hope that one day you are given the opportunity to apply that insight.
I found your blog while doing some research on Baha’i Marriage. I am a Baha’i of 39 years and have been married for almost 26 years. I never looked at “easy familiarity” in this way, but since reading your blog, I have another tool to use the next time I take any of my family, friends, and most of all, my wife for granted. I believe now that I have been to familiar with the most important people in my life. I am going to work very hard to be mindful of the gifts(people) that are in my life. Thanks again.
Hi Stressed, I realize that I’m a little late as this post was started over a year ago, however I wanted to ask a few questions. (no response required)
Does your husband love you?
If so, does he believe that you are happy enough that you will never leave him?
I asked this question because my wife made a statement to me just 5 years into our marriage that caused me to pause. She said this, “if we continue on this course, we will not be married five years from now.” We married when we were 28 years old and she had been married before and I love my wife so I did everything I could to change the course of our marriage.
I understand what it means to be single for awhile then having to be mindful of someone else when making decisions on a daily basis.
It sounds like your husband has the same lifestyle as had before he married you.
It seems that you love your husband and you are doing everything you can to bring your husband into the marriage such that it feels more like a partnership. Hopefully, he will come around before you become apathetic.