Motherhood, or Career? Tackling False Dichotomies, Part 2
leila September 25th, 2008
In my last post, I introduced a dilemma that had swum through my mind, periodically, for the last few years: motherhood and career, and how to do both meaningfully.
I brought up the concept of a fragmented mindset, and found the following quotation, selected from the fifth book of the Ruhi Institute series, to be enlightening:
If we are not careful and adopt such a fragmented approach to our lives, we can create all kinds of dichotomies that are largely imaginary. Work, leisure, family life, spiritual life, physical health, intellectual pursuits, individual development, collective progress, and so on become pieces that together make up our existence. When we accept such divisions as real, we feel pulled in many directions, trying to respond to what we consider to be the demands of these different facets of life. We are bewildered by apparently conflicting aims…
It seems, in twenty-first century Western society, that balancing motherhood (rather than parenthood, but that’s another discussion) and career seems to have this awful, groaning, weighty, “How in the world do we solve this awful problem” label attached to it. I did a simple Google search, and the images I saw more or less fell into two categories: The angelic pregnant woman cradling her blossoming belly, one the one hand; on the other were frantic messages about “surrendering to motherhood” and the like. But the more I think about living life in an integrated fashion, the less I look at it as achieving a balance, and more as a means by which I might embrace my (future) children and my career as part of one whole.
I admit, it’s difficult for me to assess this charged issue from the perspective of an unmarried young woman whose career has barely sprouted. What I have realized, however, is that an integrated framework of thinking, while far more difficult, is what we as humans must strive for. And as I look at who I want to be, I begin to question why motherhood and career seem to be so mutually exclusive. I question society’s definition of success — wealth, power, prestige — and have started to redefine what success means for me.
As a product of the college-race generation, ever seeking the brand-name university and the impressive degree, it’s difficult for me to un-do years of such socialization. But I wonder if there might be a balance between, on the hand, society’s perception of the mother — an indefatigable chocolate-chip cookie machine who lives to shuttle her children from soccer practice to violin lessons (an exaggeration, but it exists) — and, on the other, the stereotypical absent working mother, who arrives home just in time to tuck her children into bed. Perhaps if we really began to look at parenthood as raising up inherently noble individuals committed to earnestly working toward the betterment of society, and vigilant of their own spiritual growth, these decisions might become a bit less stressful. A future-orientated vision, mindful of creating a just society, might make us — men and women alike — consider parenthood to be less a sacrifice, and more a privilege.
Abdu’l-Baha states:
The purport is this, that to train the character of humankind is one of the weightiest commandments of God, and the influence of such training is the same as that which the sun exerteth over tree and fruit. Children must be most carefully watched over, protected and trained; in such consisteth true parenthood and parental mercy.
***
To be frank, I still don’t have the motherhood-and-career thing fully figured out, and I haven’t even begun to address the imbalanced way with which most societies view women in the context of parenthood. I have, however, been inspired by the women I’ve known who have done it, with creativity and ingenuity. To be sure, they sacrificed some of those impressive titles, positions, and opportunities. But it seems that with every sacrifice they made while raising children, greater rewards emerged in their career.
There’s no fixed formula or recipe for being a parent with a career. All I can discern is that sacrifice, a little creativity, and a healthy sense of purpose and perspective are the best we can do to raise up a generation of spiritually-minded children, in a world where a framework for parenthood is still in its infancy.
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- General Interest , Society
- Comments(5)
Leila,
Thank you for opening discussion about the dichotomy of our culture especially here in US in which many of us have been in a trance about compartmentalizing our lives and thinking this brings order to chaos..
I resonate with what you say about one’s view could be more of an integrative one, in how to weave the many roles women have into one fabric of love and nurturing.
Wrote to Nadim this bit and he encouraged me to post my response here:
It was a spiritual journey for me to have my son without a partner.
I was not certain I could be the parent I knew was important to be and the beauty I found now that he is 21 is that we do instill in our children great spiritual strength when we continue our practices and bring them along which is what I needed to to by necessity, but can see my son reaping the benefit of participating in chigong, yoga and meditation classes with me when he was younger.
I did make choices with career that allowed me more freedom, which meant less income at times, to nurse when he was under 3 and gave me more flexibility with time to maintain a balance between being in the world but not of it…this was the biggest challenge for me…to not get swept up in society’s view of what is important in our daily round and we, together found our way with each other.
I too had many ideas, philosophies and views about how children needed to be parented as a school counselor and teacher from 21 to 36…and it is true until you experience what it means to have the responsibility to create, generate and maintain a haven for another human being it is all subjective theory….
I agree a more integrative view is the best and found that being a part of a small community of other parents with children close in age made all the difference in the world for my son who had peers that could serve as siblings and other parents, especially two other fathers who could help my son when he was 8-9 years and longing to be more around masculine role models.
Who Does She Think She Is?
Hello All. A Room of Her Own Foundation received a heads-up from Academy Award winning producer Pamela Tanner Boll that we thought might be of interest to women artists and to organizations that support the arts.
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Marguerite Maria for AROHO
Here’s the letter from the Who Does She Think She Is? team:
Who Does She Think She Is? is new documentary film directed by Academy Award winning producer, Pamela Tanner Boll (Born Into Brothels). The film follows the struggles and joys of five women trying to lead creative lives as artists while keeping up as parents and partners. For these women, art does not have to be “self-centered,” and care-taking doesn’t have to be “selfless,” and it is in fact the mix that gives them their vitality.
But it’s not easy. We see them go through hardship, self-doubt, rejection, and heartbreak. The film also takes a broader look at the shifting status of women artists throughout history, with some shocking realizations about what women artists are up against today. Ultimately, the film helps us imagine a world where a more fulfilled balance of life, art, work and family is worth the risk. These women are living examples.
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Leila,
I am a writer and part of the AROHO group, attended Ghost Ranch, NM writers retreat in June 2007 for the first time. One of the presenters, Kate Gale is a dynamo who has published some poetry and the founder of Red Hen Press.
She posted a blog on this site that seems so perfect for this ongoing discussion.
I copy and paste it here with my response:
My response has not been posted yet as I submitted it just yesterday…
The 7 comments on the http://www.aroomofherown.org site in the blog section are worth reading…all genuine heart felt responses to her honest and raw blog.
NGR
When I had children, I still found time to be a mother and to write. With struggle. With hard work. I even exercised then… Even dreamed. We started Red Hen Press in 1994. We publish twenty titles a year, run three reading series in Los Angeles, three in New York, publish a literary journal, give awards, build literary community. All this at the expense of our own family, lives, relationships. And of course at the expense of the writing. Is it worth it? Of course not. Writing is worth something. Children, love, being alive. Running a press? Building literary community? It’s good… but it isn’t everything. Because you have to go it alone or with one person helping. Because everyone wants something from you. Because creative work is like entering a river. And building a press is like entering a desert and trying to build a fountain there. It is a lonely business. So why did I do it? I am on the boards of writing organizations, the Managing Editor of Red Hen Press—instead of spending that time writing. I wish I could say that it is all good, that I am glad I do it. But that is not quite true. I wish I could just run the press and write. But as Dana Gioia loves to say, my family didn’t give me the inheritance I so richly deserved. I have to teach and there isn’t enough of me to live this many lives. So I haven’t really answered your question. I wish I could write, run the press, teach and have a family life, a love life, but I haven’t been able to figure how to do it all… I wish. When the press receives an endowment…Here’s hoping.
-Kate Gale
She is the Managing Editor of Red Hen Press, the Editor of the Los Angeles Review, and the President of the American Composers Forum Los Angeles. She served as the 2005-2006 President of PEN USA and serves on the Board of A Room of Her Own Foundation.
Nancy– thank you so much for your thoughtful comments; I especially Kate Gale’s remarks on her own experience with motherhood. I was thinking about this all as I was walking to work this morning. I live in Washington, D.C., and naturally, there are a lot of powerhouse women working in this city. More than ever, I’ve started noticing little things– nannies shuttling toddlers to daycare; exhausted-looking mothers juggling a baby slung over her chest, and holding her other toddler’s hand; a stream of uniformed children crossing the street on the way to a museum. I wonder if I’ve taken it too lightly, that I’ll just figure it out in the end, so reading the testaments of women who are or have been there is enlightening.
Thank you again, and do come back for more!
This is a topic near and dear to my heart, and I don’t have any answers – only more questions! I love putting things in boxes – it makes my world simple!
My son is now 24. When he was born, I was working full time, going to university part time to complete my Master’s Degree and was starting a non-profit organization. I was willing to give it all up because I believed no one could look after him and raise him better than I could, but I didn’t have my husband’s support. I breast fed him till he was 3, or he never would have seen me! For the first 4 years of his life, I sometimes took him to work with me – it was an organization I started and he still has fond memories of it – then I had the mixed blessing of becoming a single mother and going on disability, which allowed me to be the stay-at-home Mom I always wanted to be. Living in poverty isn’t a route I’d necessarily recommend but it did accustom him to hardship!
Reflecting on the experience now, through my understanding of the Baha’i Writings, I think youth should marry early (so they can only have one sexual partner for life), complete their education, have children and raise them well and then go out and start their careers.
I really appreciated the quote from the Notes section of the Kitab-i-Aqdas p. 193, which says: “In response to a question concerning whether Bahá’u'lláh’s injunction requires a wife and mother, as well as her husband, to work for a livelihood, the Universal House of Justice has explained that Bahá’u'lláh’s directive is for the friends to be engaged in an occupation which will profit themselves and others, and that homemaking is a highly honourable and responsible work of fundamental importance to society.”